Sexual Matters: Sexual and Pornographic Addiction
Basics of "Sexual and Pornographic Addiction" or "Problematic Sexual Behavior".
Sexual addiction, from my clinical view, is best described as a “progressive intimacy disorder” characterized by obsessive sexual thoughts and unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors. Like all addictions, its negative influences on the addict and on family members increase as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. They will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships, or legal troubles; have trouble ceasing behavior despite efforts, and may demonstrate emotional or physical symptoms because of these attempts. For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography, phone, or computer sex services. In extreme cases, this disorder can spiral further out of control to involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone, and social media contact, prostitution, molestation, or rape.
The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions is also typical of sex addiction. However, these other addictions such as drug, alcohol, and gambling dependency involve substances or activities that are not necessary to human survival. Sexual activity is different. Like eating or sleeping, having sex is elementary to the human experience. Sex provides a distinct role in our biological, psychological, and emotional/social health. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, others for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans generally have a strong desire for sex. In fact, a lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric disorder.
Evolving Sexual Views and Technology as “The Gateway” of Sexual Troubles
The view and choice of human sexuality will continuously evolve. It is essential to honor each person’s sexual view of self - based upon their uniqueness and desire for self-expression, as well as its expressiveness within consensual relationships and chosen communities. This withstanding - social messages, pressures, and influences continually challenge us to define what is and is not “healthy and appropriate” sexual behavior. Even the medical and psychological community is not spared this debate when attempting to diagnose and treat those who suffer. As such, finding therapeutic treatment that is consistent with your beliefs is primary to the care and success of your recovery.
Technology and the internet (along with its offspring of social media, tablets, smartphones, alternative roots, etc.) have dramatically increased private and anonymous access to infinite amounts of highly explicit and distinctive forms of pornography; casual sexual experiences; erotic cyber-communities, and online prostitution. This explosion of access is causing tremendous problems for healthy and curious individuals (who truly may tumble innocently down the rabbit hole) as well as those more psychologically vulnerable due to pre-existing conditions (e.g. addictive disorders, low self-esteem, social inhibition, childhood or adult trauma, attachment patterns, and/or personality or mood disorders).
When is it Addiction?
In many circumstances, these conditions combined with other psychological, social, or emotional stressors, may create a window of psychological vulnerability. This triggers a “kindling”, gestation, and eventual birth of an obsessive-compulsive habit acted out through unhealthy sexual behavior. An individual’s uniqueness shapes the specific behaviors of “what they do” when they “act out”. The nature of the acts themselves is described as their “drug of choice”. With continuous use, the sufferer will root numerous unique and complex problems for themselves (physical, emotional, psychological, and neurological) as well as others important in their lives. I use the word “root” because this suffering has many deep and intertwined complexities that continue to grow if not accurately diagnosed and treated properly. Ineffective treatment will have a tendency to keep the client stuck in a cycle of relapse, exacerbating their feelings of hopelessness. Many clients that I treat have sought prior treatment unsuccessfully. They have failed typically due to incomplete or ineffective treatment methods, a lack of a true understanding of the complexities of their disorder, and /or lack of commitment to their own recovery and healing. Healing takes time, commitment, consistency, courage, and the intention to “heal for themselves, and not for another”.
Why do they do it?
Sexual disorders are commonly misinterpreted. This is commonly due to misinformation, mistreatment, and/or misrepresentation from the media and other sources. Each client’s suffering is different, but generally, its genesis can be traced to one of a few forms. Sometimes, the revealing behavior is cloaked as infidelity or a “bad habit” the client has “engaged in since youth”. For others, it may have psychological underpinnings associated with sexual intensity and/or fantasy-based dissociation as a replacement for genuine intimacy. Still, others may use sexual behavior as an attempt to compensate and soothe life stressors, triggered through psychological associations with unconscious voids and wounds. Medically, it can have associations with neurological conditions only treated by an appropriate medical professional. Often, these conditions share an over-arching connection with low emotional resilience, limited emotional capacity, and/or struggles with expressions of intimacy. No matter what motivation exists, the outcome continues to perpetuate a progression of isolation, loneliness, secrecy, and shame.
Contrary to a healthy sexual experience, each experience of “acting out” generally seals the addict in a never-ending cycle of pain, anxiety, obsession, compulsion, and shame. This has little in common with what most people would consider a “normal” and satisfying event of sexual intimacy. This is extremely puzzling for their partner to comprehend in the face of their own betrayal and pain and in stark contrast to what the partner “thought was appropriate sexual conduct”, as earlier agreed upon in the relationship.
What about our relationship?
When the addiction is uncovered, the addict can no longer escape accountability for their choices and actions. This ‘bombshell” releases instantaneous and widespread pandemonium. From the inside, the relationship suffers shock, confusion, disbelief, and a variety of other painful emotional experiences consistent with trauma and grief. My view as a “progressive intimacy disorder” acknowledges this disorder exists within a system or relational setting. The addict’s behavior unavoidably sends ripples throughout their family and relationships and thus, treatment needs to be conducted within the context of these dynamics.
The inflicted partner will have many natural feelings about this “bombshell” discovery. Some common questions include: “Who are you?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Are you even a safe person to be around?”, “How can I ever trust you again?”, “What else don’t I know about?”, “Can you get well?”. In the center of this storm is an instantaneous shattering of relational trust and a rupture of the personal identity of each partner. Specific treatment should always be conducted with empathy, support, and a deep understanding of the damage done to both partner and addict. For those who choose to reconcile, a careful and delicate process of reconciliation towards eventual forgiveness is possible.
Diagnoses and treatments vary depending upon the individual, their life experiences, and the genesis of their suffering. I believe this condition can be compounded by ineffective treatments drawn from other addictive models that do not identify, examine, and treat the psychological and emotional dynamics as well as the behavioral addiction.
I work in collaboration with you to uncover, understand, grieve and heal these highly personal and delicate struggles. My approach is “integrative” versus using just the standardized "12-step addictive medicine method" common with most other services. I integrate the latest neurological, psychodynamic, and addiction research and methods - developing a customized treatment for the thorough client, empowering, and effective when followed.
No problem is too troublesome; no act is too shameful that cannot be grieved and healed in the safety of a strong therapeutic relationship.
Please contact me by telephone to schedule a confidential screening and to gain a better understanding of my view, treatment, and paths toward healing. My services and location are discreet and confidential. 503-753-9863
“Tell me what you yearn for and I shall tell you who you are. We are what we reach for, the idealized image that drives our wandering”. - James Hillman
Willamette Counseling Services, Barry W. McVay, M.A., LPC
Individual & Couples Therapist
"Help in finding your path to healing, vitality, and wholeness..."
Anxiety - Depression - Shame - Relationships - Family Issues - Couples Therapy - Co-Dependency - Sexual Addiction - Trust - Intimacy
Serving the Greater Portland area, South Waterfront, Sellwood, John's Landing, Terwilliger-Lair Hill, OHSU, Portland State, and Multnomah area
Sexual addiction, from my clinical view, is best described as a “progressive intimacy disorder” characterized by obsessive sexual thoughts and unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors. Like all addictions, its negative influences on the addict and on family members increase as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. They will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships, or legal troubles; have trouble ceasing behavior despite efforts, and may demonstrate emotional or physical symptoms because of these attempts. For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography, phone, or computer sex services. In extreme cases, this disorder can spiral further out of control to involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone, and social media contact, prostitution, molestation, or rape.
The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions is also typical of sex addiction. However, these other addictions such as drug, alcohol, and gambling dependency involve substances or activities that are not necessary to human survival. Sexual activity is different. Like eating or sleeping, having sex is elementary to the human experience. Sex provides a distinct role in our biological, psychological, and emotional/social health. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, others for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans generally have a strong desire for sex. In fact, a lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric disorder.
Evolving Sexual Views and Technology as “The Gateway” of Sexual Troubles
The view and choice of human sexuality will continuously evolve. It is essential to honor each person’s sexual view of self - based upon their uniqueness and desire for self-expression, as well as its expressiveness within consensual relationships and chosen communities. This withstanding - social messages, pressures, and influences continually challenge us to define what is and is not “healthy and appropriate” sexual behavior. Even the medical and psychological community is not spared this debate when attempting to diagnose and treat those who suffer. As such, finding therapeutic treatment that is consistent with your beliefs is primary to the care and success of your recovery.
Technology and the internet (along with its offspring of social media, tablets, smartphones, alternative roots, etc.) have dramatically increased private and anonymous access to infinite amounts of highly explicit and distinctive forms of pornography; casual sexual experiences; erotic cyber-communities, and online prostitution. This explosion of access is causing tremendous problems for healthy and curious individuals (who truly may tumble innocently down the rabbit hole) as well as those more psychologically vulnerable due to pre-existing conditions (e.g. addictive disorders, low self-esteem, social inhibition, childhood or adult trauma, attachment patterns, and/or personality or mood disorders).
When is it Addiction?
In many circumstances, these conditions combined with other psychological, social, or emotional stressors, may create a window of psychological vulnerability. This triggers a “kindling”, gestation, and eventual birth of an obsessive-compulsive habit acted out through unhealthy sexual behavior. An individual’s uniqueness shapes the specific behaviors of “what they do” when they “act out”. The nature of the acts themselves is described as their “drug of choice”. With continuous use, the sufferer will root numerous unique and complex problems for themselves (physical, emotional, psychological, and neurological) as well as others important in their lives. I use the word “root” because this suffering has many deep and intertwined complexities that continue to grow if not accurately diagnosed and treated properly. Ineffective treatment will have a tendency to keep the client stuck in a cycle of relapse, exacerbating their feelings of hopelessness. Many clients that I treat have sought prior treatment unsuccessfully. They have failed typically due to incomplete or ineffective treatment methods, a lack of a true understanding of the complexities of their disorder, and /or lack of commitment to their own recovery and healing. Healing takes time, commitment, consistency, courage, and the intention to “heal for themselves, and not for another”.
Why do they do it?
Sexual disorders are commonly misinterpreted. This is commonly due to misinformation, mistreatment, and/or misrepresentation from the media and other sources. Each client’s suffering is different, but generally, its genesis can be traced to one of a few forms. Sometimes, the revealing behavior is cloaked as infidelity or a “bad habit” the client has “engaged in since youth”. For others, it may have psychological underpinnings associated with sexual intensity and/or fantasy-based dissociation as a replacement for genuine intimacy. Still, others may use sexual behavior as an attempt to compensate and soothe life stressors, triggered through psychological associations with unconscious voids and wounds. Medically, it can have associations with neurological conditions only treated by an appropriate medical professional. Often, these conditions share an over-arching connection with low emotional resilience, limited emotional capacity, and/or struggles with expressions of intimacy. No matter what motivation exists, the outcome continues to perpetuate a progression of isolation, loneliness, secrecy, and shame.
Contrary to a healthy sexual experience, each experience of “acting out” generally seals the addict in a never-ending cycle of pain, anxiety, obsession, compulsion, and shame. This has little in common with what most people would consider a “normal” and satisfying event of sexual intimacy. This is extremely puzzling for their partner to comprehend in the face of their own betrayal and pain and in stark contrast to what the partner “thought was appropriate sexual conduct”, as earlier agreed upon in the relationship.
What about our relationship?
When the addiction is uncovered, the addict can no longer escape accountability for their choices and actions. This ‘bombshell” releases instantaneous and widespread pandemonium. From the inside, the relationship suffers shock, confusion, disbelief, and a variety of other painful emotional experiences consistent with trauma and grief. My view as a “progressive intimacy disorder” acknowledges this disorder exists within a system or relational setting. The addict’s behavior unavoidably sends ripples throughout their family and relationships and thus, treatment needs to be conducted within the context of these dynamics.
The inflicted partner will have many natural feelings about this “bombshell” discovery. Some common questions include: “Who are you?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Are you even a safe person to be around?”, “How can I ever trust you again?”, “What else don’t I know about?”, “Can you get well?”. In the center of this storm is an instantaneous shattering of relational trust and a rupture of the personal identity of each partner. Specific treatment should always be conducted with empathy, support, and a deep understanding of the damage done to both partner and addict. For those who choose to reconcile, a careful and delicate process of reconciliation towards eventual forgiveness is possible.
Diagnoses and treatments vary depending upon the individual, their life experiences, and the genesis of their suffering. I believe this condition can be compounded by ineffective treatments drawn from other addictive models that do not identify, examine, and treat the psychological and emotional dynamics as well as the behavioral addiction.
I work in collaboration with you to uncover, understand, grieve and heal these highly personal and delicate struggles. My approach is “integrative” versus using just the standardized "12-step addictive medicine method" common with most other services. I integrate the latest neurological, psychodynamic, and addiction research and methods - developing a customized treatment for the thorough client, empowering, and effective when followed.
No problem is too troublesome; no act is too shameful that cannot be grieved and healed in the safety of a strong therapeutic relationship.
Please contact me by telephone to schedule a confidential screening and to gain a better understanding of my view, treatment, and paths toward healing. My services and location are discreet and confidential. 503-753-9863
“Tell me what you yearn for and I shall tell you who you are. We are what we reach for, the idealized image that drives our wandering”. - James Hillman
Willamette Counseling Services, Barry W. McVay, M.A., LPC
Individual & Couples Therapist
"Help in finding your path to healing, vitality, and wholeness..."
Anxiety - Depression - Shame - Relationships - Family Issues - Couples Therapy - Co-Dependency - Sexual Addiction - Trust - Intimacy
Serving the Greater Portland area, South Waterfront, Sellwood, John's Landing, Terwilliger-Lair Hill, OHSU, Portland State, and Multnomah area
